My sexuality is sadomasochistic. This is important to me.
Gender-based sexual attraction is incredibly prevalent in our culture. The myth goes: you are of a certain gender, and you are sexually attracted to a certain gender or set of genders, and you have sex with people who fall into the proper gender category for you and that’s all there is to it. That’s sexual orientation.
I tried to fit this mold. I tried to have sex with people based on things like their gender or their appearance or their taste in music and clothing or (yes) how good they looked in their Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence getup, and each time was a disaster. In my last long-term vanilla relationship, for example, I would do my best to please my partner, then fake an orgasm and head home and feel inhuman and cry and wonder why I was so worthless and false and wrong.
The problem was that I was dating people who were not into kink. I was dating people with whom I was not sexually compatible, regardless of their gender.
I am a sadomasochist. I am sexually interested in people who are, specifically, unequivocally sadomasochistic. Can you throw a singletail? Needle top? Run an interrogation scene? Take a metal paddle to the fronts of your thighs? That’s the sort of thing I look for in potential lovers. Gender is wonderful if it’s your cup of tea, and I will help you celebrate it if you are into that sort of thing, but it’s not really on my checklist.